I wish I knew then what I know now.
My 20's were riddled with many abusive relationships -- almost an entire decade punctuated by one bad relationship after another.
Relationships all ran the same course -- a young man would lure me into the dysfunctional drama that was his life. Soon, that drama became my life and a similar pattern would always ensue.
Each relationship began in a similar manner in which a handsome suitor, knowing all the right lines, swept me off my feet and led me into a world of dreamy romance and pure joy. This man was always an attentive lover and everything I ever wanted. In retrospect, I call it the honeymoon phase -- the time in a relationship where everything was perfect and nothing could ever go wrong.
Soon after, phase two began. Phase two started subtly enough in which the young man began to exhibit minor behavioral changes. Perhaps he snapped at me for no apparent reason or he wasn't "in the mood." I dismissed these minor issues as moodiness or tiredness. As negative experiences continued, I ignored them or made excuses for inexcusable behavior, somehow thinking that I had caused these issues.
Eventually, the relationship escalated into phase three in which all out abuse occurred. Here is where the lying, cheating, and other kinds of abuses occurred, while I still hung onto the hope that things would change and the relationship would shift back into the honeymoon stage where all was perfect.
Unfortunately, I hung around far too long waiting for the perfect lover to return. He was gone forever, but there I would be, hanging around, delusional and holding on to the false hope that all would be well again.
Knowing what I know now, I would have left all of those relationships at phase two. I believe we all go through a phase two in relationships; however, that phase should never turn into an abusive one. It is the knowledge and ability to recognize and separate healthy relationships from dysfunctional ones that ensures our ultimate well-being. Maturity allows us to turn away from harmful relationships once we realize that the longer we remain, the worse they become and the more difficult it is to walk away.
These relationships do not necessarily concern individuals; such relationships could easily be with a group, organization, or an employer. The trick is to recognize and identify the key elements and clues that allow us to view these relationships as what they are, energy-draining and destructive, and then walk away.
Walking away is never easy, but healthy choices seldom are.
